it's been a while

i started this draft when it was nearly september. ...2021, that is. i can't believe a year went by so fast. ...i only said that for the rent reference, in truth. it hasn't seemed very fast at all. but it also has? it's been the bulk of my time living with KW so far. we've been at it an entire year past what i was writing about last time. i think we've gotten better at it, in some ways. in most ways. it has certainly helped that he's not in school anymore. he graduated! it did look dicey near the end there, with him working wild hours to finish his term project and truly falling short in some aspects, but everyone in his course knew how damn good he is and they pushed him to pass. and he did, and he managed to take the paramedic test with admittedly minimal practice time because he learned it was scheduled with only like 4 days of lead time, and he fucking knocked it out of the park on the first try. i knew he would, i honestly did. it was hard not to put pressure on him, because i've been there - i've been the person people are saying "i know you'll succeed" to, and worrying that if the very real possibility of failure comes to fruition, i'll have disappointed not only myself but them as well. and i understand the paramedic test to be fucking hard as hell, with a lower pass rate than the goddamn bar exam. his failing would not reflect poorly on him and i needed him to know i would understand that. but, quietly, confidently, i was certain that if anyone could succeed, it would be him. and lo, i was right.

so he's been a fully certified paramedic for just coming on a year now. he's only working just a little less than full time, three days a week, because he was hoping to pick up more shifts here and there with the flexibility in his schedule. he largely has not, unfortunately. i don't know how to encourage him properly. some things never change. we're similar in that way. all too happy to coast. happy's not the right word there. but... you get it.

i've been binge watching zoey's extraordinary playlist for the past few days. this show was not correctly marketed. it has so much goddamn heart. i thought it would be some cheesy musical sitcom, but it is much more dramatic and real than that. and emotional. i have cried at like 80% of the episodes. and i'm not usually so weepy at television! i just watched the episode where her father passes away (i'm sorry if this spoils anything for *checks stats* no one, but also, you know it's coming.) and fucking ugly cried, multiple times.

once my face isn't so tearstained and my eyes aren't so red, i really ought to go for a walk. i wanna pick up a claw clip for my hair. i know, this is interesting shit. i just wanna take better care of myself. since my last post, i lost like 8 pounds. i probably gained that too, though, before losing it. so it feels like i've made progress but in that regard i'm probably back where i started. weighing about the same since like april. and here we are, in september 2022. i've bought myself new shampoo, have... at times sustained a skincare regimen, but i've fallen off that wagon again. i wanna be able to put my hair up in a non-damaging way to my hair and my scalp. so it seems a claw clip is the way to go, best i've found.

i received a blessing from the federal government recently, what with the biden administration forgiving $20000 of my debt. well, a shade under $20k. i'd actually paid my balance down to about $13400 with $1200 in payments stashed in a savings account just waiting for the forbearance to end, because i wanted to see what was going to happen with that $10k forgiveness, hopefully before the midterm elections. and we got it! but fuck, i had not expected an additional $10k forgiven! i got pell grants to pay for some of college! i was already grateful for them, but fuck they just became even more of a blessing, like 12 years later. i'm debt-free. and not only that, but because i'd paid so much during the forbearance period, i was able to request a refund of nearly $6600, to bring me as close to a $20k balance as i could, without over-refunding and having to make an exact payment. the government can keep my extra $40. i'll take the freedom. it's funny how much some extra room in my budget can feel like getting a raise. ...even though i still haven't gotten a raise and i really need to ask for one. that'll be an issue for another time.

work's been okay. only okay. maybe slightly less than okay. i did get my best friend AD a job with me! which sometimes i feel guilty about because the company does let her down at times. she's the only one dedicated to a specific client project and she doesn't get the support we should be giving her to execute her duties in a timely way. i feel bad about that. i also want a fucking raise. i interviewed for another company a few months back, which provided a wake-up call to me. i was recruited, but failed the technical interview. i received the nicest rejection letter one could hope to get, which said that by all accounts i seem like a delight to work alongside every day, and if i can just... get better, they'd be happy to interview me again in the future. so i've tried, in fits and starts, to study code in my free time. it's really hard to dedicate myself to that when it's what i already do for work. i think i'm feeling burnt out. i just want a vacation, all the time. i even took one, mostly. went to the outer banks with my friends for a week in july. and it was fantastic! i'd never been on a plane by myself before, never booked my own ticket, organized all (okay, most... i coordinated with JB&AS to benefit from their rental car) my own travel. i'm thirty years old, is it sad to feel really proud of myself for that? it was really great to get away for a while, even though i worked remotely for two days while i was down there.

KW and i are going to iceland for a week, really soon. since that's international travel i won't be working at all, and i cannot wait. if what was basically a collection of 3- and 4-day weekends was restorative, i bet a week will be amazing. i hope we travel well together. it'll be interesting to learn how we mesh with so much time off together. we went away together for literally the first time ever, for my 30th birthday in april. just to an airbnb in the berkshires, to get out of the city. and it was nice. nothing extravagant. accidentally went on too much of a hike on the day of, so it was very low-key after that. a whole week together, that we've planned entirely ourselves. internationally!! i've never been on my own in a country where i don't even speak the language. sure, i know pretty much everyone in iceland speaks english as well, but... i don't know. it's hard not to feel underprepared i guess, especially with my love of languages. but yeah, he decided to splurge and treat me really well for my 30th birthday, with tickets to iceland. seems random, but he does know it's always been a dream of mine to see the northern lights. we're hoping we can thread the needle with the seasons and be late enough in the year to see the lights but have enough daylight to see the country. i'm sure it'll be absolutely phenomenal, either way. i'm looking forward to taking tons of pictures and definitely slowing us down at every step of the way to do so.

this is just a picture i stole from a google image search for "iceland" but this is kirkjufell which is one of the stops on our trip, and if i'm lucky i'll get my own version of this very photo... albeit probably (and indeed hopefully) with a lot less snow, and very likely not at night either.

i miss writing. i know, it's the same old words from me in that regard. that's why i'm writing this post, finally, a year in the making. saying nothing of consequence. i read some of my old posts and actually really liked some of what i wrote. nothing this time, though. no profundity. no nice turns of phrase. no deep feelings delicately described. maybe someday.

when i come back from iceland, i think i'll get a second piercing in each lobe. and i want to start taking classes, for fun. in my free time. i want to avoid lifestyle creep, especially since with the extra funds from my would-be loan payments i can maybe afford to buy real estate before i'm 40. but i also want to live my life the best i can, and not hold back. fully commit to things. enrich my own life. be my best person. it's not entirely for myself.