movin' on up

view of the entryway, ft. large box of broken down boxes from the move

literally, up. KW and i are all moved in to our new apartment, which is on the fourth (top) floor of a walk-up building. it was exhausting. it's nice to be here though. it started by feeling... oddly surreal. like this was just an odd vacation home. a stopover, somewhere and somehow and with all our stuff. it's begun to feel more normal though... funny how that changes. how home is so much more a feeling than a place, and how we almost bureaucratically override that periodically by moving. it takes feelings a while to catch up, like they took the cheapest shipping method to get there.

my birthday is tomorrow; i'll be 29. if i think about it too long i get angry that i was robbed of the opportunity to be 28 at all. second pandemic birthday... i always used to be so obnoxious about my birthday. it was my favorite holiday, essentially. i've never particularly liked attention, but on my birthday i wanted it. maybe the pandemic has finally killed that for me. it feels like it's sneaking up on me this time. like, usually by april first i'm all about "it's my birthday month!!" but... now my birthday is tomorrow. i took the day off, but i pretty much just intend to sleep til 11 and then play video games for the rest of the day. KW has a full day of school from 8 am to about 10 pm. i'll go get a nice coffee at starbucks, trek for my favorite bagel place, and go buy a hopefully-discounted bottle of wine from a place i half-tried to talk into giving me the member discount for my birthday even though i'm not a member. maybe i'll chat with some friends online for a little bit. i find myself not particularly excited. did i get any birthday gifts last year? i don't even recall. god, last year was a horrible birthday. a year ago today, KW started showing early symptoms of covid. a year ago tomorrow, his symptoms advanced and were undeniably covid. i spent my birthday crying and terrified and overwhelmed, and still reeling from an exhausting, stressful, and insanity-inducing weekend. so... this birthday is best viewed in comparison with my 28th, i suppose. still, i miss birthdays of yore. being able to get out of town, be taken to a nice dinner, and just spend the day with someone who loves me. that's all i want, really. i guess for my 30th birthday, maybe that'll be possible then.

i know i have more to say, but none of it is ever important. it's fleeting, leaves no impact on my brain and i forget i ever wanted to say it.

progress on a place

we may have found the place. hopefully the minor snags in our application materials do indeed prove minor - KW has no credit history, having never had a credit card nor taken out a loan (although mine is quite excellent), and my state learner permit appears to be expired on its face, but that's because it was valid until April 2020, and we know what was going on then. certainly no permit renewals. the state has officially extended its validity on word alone, through at least the end of this month. i just need the rental company to understand that word. financially, we hit all the targets. fingers crossed.

it's a one bedroom, as opposed to the two bedroom places we'd set out for initially. but it was just proving too hard to find a two bedroom that didn't.... well, kinda suck. or have obvious detractions, usually in size or light. and seldom any amenities. the place has a small kitchen, counter space at a premium, and unfortunately no dishwasher. but it does have a sizable balcony, all surrounded by brick to the sides and overhead, making it feel secure enough for me to sit out there and work, or enjoy watching a thunderstorm. it gets good light, is in a relatively convenient location (slightly more so than where KW currently lives, anyway), and the bedroom is big enough for our bed and nightstands and probably at least one dresser. huzzah. he will just have to live with my nail polish collection in plain sight. but god, it will be nice to have our own outdoor space. i can even sit outside to do my nails, when the weather is nice, and not stink up the place. maybe do art outside, if the paper doesn't blow away.

my sketch based on memory and no measurements

my nerves have shifted. i can't really let up the search yet, not knowing if we'll be approved. and we won't be approved until after i can drop off a deposit, and send out our file of information. i was sort of hoping one of the listings i visited today would send me a video of the space, because it was very similar but i really liked it. worse oven (smaller; no window to watch my bakes), but a forthcoming dishwasher soon. and central air, plus a nicer building staircase, on a lower (but still top) floor. balcony rear-facing, and again very conveniently located. arguably a shade more so, being one train stop closer to manhattan. unfortunately it comes with a broker fee, and without laundry in the building.

anyway, sorry for all the tedium. i am, to no one's surprise, obsessive about this. but god it would feel good to be on pace for moving April 1st without stressing about cutting it close. about being able to close this chapter of uncertainty.

for another, of course. this morning i woke after a fit of restless sleep, feeling like i was dreaming half-awake about setting up the new apartment. KW was really cute the other day, though. we had a chat about our rental options, having previously ruled out listings that have a gross rent outside our budget but are offering months free, thereby lowering the net rent across a year lease to something we could afford. i didn't want to entertain the idea, knowing that when it comes time to raise the rent the following year, they'll raise it based on the gross rent, and we will not be able to afford to live there any longer. i'm so sick of moving every year, i really just want to find a comfortable place and stay put for a while. but KW raised the point that at this point, he's not looking for a place to live long-term, just a place to live with me. in a year we'll both be in financially better standings, though, and be able to increase our budget substantially, him having doubled his earnings and me having hopefully sorted out the open question at work of how much i'll be expected to travel again once that's feasible. i hope to be able to renegotiate so that a) they substantially reimburse me, b) they cancel my travel at least mostly, or c) they raise my salary in accordance with the travel, at least partly. i'm just glad he really wants to live with me. not being able to see each other and really be able to relax with each other is just awful.

although we were talking about it when the application was proceeding quickly and he was like "oh, this is really happening fast. is this the place we'll be taking? the commute's kind of awful for me, but the window's closing on finding that miracle spot..." and i know that he was just airing what the downside is, with his family all in brooklyn and commuting there being a bitch from where he's at now, which is pretty close to where we'll be moving. but then i found myself worried i'd failed us. like i should have done better. but he liked the place! he was the one that was like, we should put in an application in case this place gets away from us. so i know that's not a rational fear. i put in so much work, it was exhausting. and i'm just ready to be done. the next time we move, we can do it together. we can search together, snuggling in bed and going on showings together. i did tell him i was worried i didn't do a good job if he'd rather be in brooklyn, and he was like "that you might think that occurred to me, and i was like 'i hope she doesn't think that.' but no, not at all, and i'm very grateful to you for taking the lead on this." so, i should let that nagging thought fade away.

anyway, there's my rant. i'm so decision-fatigued.

under pressure

i am anxiety.

there's a tension in my chest and i'm holding my breath absentmindedly. i clench my teeth and then realize i'm doing so and try to relax my jaw but suddenly i'm biting my cheek instead. on the other side of a month, things will work out. (probably.) it just sucks that i'm the one that has to work it out. i talked to my therapist about how i guess at the end of all this i won't have an excuse to call myself not an adult anymore. i've never felt independent or capable of anything, at least far behind where all my friends have been. is this a crash course to catch me up?

i just want to know where i'll be living. and i want it to be good. i won't get everything i want but what compromises will i make? will i live in the dark with no views other than brick walls? will i have no living room to speak of? will i have to go at least a year without taking a bath and soaking my back? already seems likely that i won't have a dishwasher or access to a roof or balcony. i want a window in my living room that does something besides look into another person's living room window. i'm so tired of living in my bedroom, i want my living room to be the most pleasant place in the house. i want to have a reason to get out of bed, ever.

i have decision fatigue. i look at apartments, i decide if i like them. i decide if it's worth going to see them. i decide if it's worth applying. i'm trying to decide if i should get a new credit card, because i want another one and the moving period will be a high-spend time that'll sail me right over most bonus requirements. probably.

i should learn how to meditate, i think. all the shit i said at the start of this post still applies. i'm literally holding my breath while typing this sentence. why am i like this? how do i calm myself down? coping mechanism?

i hate this. i have always hated decisions and responsibility and now somehow my life is full of it. god i just want to go back to normal. i just want to be able to breathe again. mid-april, i will turn 29, hopefully my apartment will be adequately furnished, and i can start a new year of life in my first Independent apartment with a partner. i'll be able to cuddle him whenever i want*. he'll cook me dinner and teach me how to make a good bolognese sauce. i will be able to relax. there will be relaxation in my future.

*when he is home

it is 4:30 pm on a thursday. i think i'll put a bottle of wine in the fridge to chill it so i can pour a large glass soon.

P.S., at some point i should probably mentally revisit the fact that i keep feeling like everything is a first? am i discrediting my past achievements, or encouraging myself to feel like i'm continually accomplishing things? this apartment with KW feels like a marked achievement because it will be my first place that will be totally in my control (shared control, but still, no roommates), and the first place i'll have to fully set up myself, be in charge of utilities. but it's not the first place i'm finding by myself (that was boston) or applying to by myself (again, boston) or signing a lease (boston yet again), or living independently in the city (that's here!), or living with a partner (that was baltimore). it's less a big leap into an unknown i'm unqualified for than the next logical baby step toward adulthood... right?

there's a place for us

a zillion zillow tabs

god, this apartment search is weighing on me. i know it doesn't need to. i'm sure we'll be okay. i just cannot stand all the uncertainty. i literally do not know what my address will be in a month. i know i'll be paying too much rent, though. i don't know if i'll have to pay a fucking broker fee. i don't know where i'll be living, and i don't know how the lease will get finished out here. i don't know if AZ2 (yes, that's not me) and FB will still live here after may, and neither do they. will i get furniture out of the deal if the apartment needs to be emptied? i can't count on that, and likely won't be able to nearly until may begins. i just want all the answers, and i don't get them yet.

i need to calm the fuck down though, because i'm even getting insecure about KW. and that's just fucking dumb. we don't talk enough, because he's busy, because he's tired, because he's stressed... probably in at least small part because he's resentful that he can't see me. at least besides when we go on apartment tours together. and that's where i know i'm being stupid - there's no reason to be insecure. he loves me, and trusts that he will continue to, or he literally would not be searching for apartments with me. shut the fuck up, demon brain.

i'm nervous. i've never lived in a place that's just me and a partner before. i lived with ZM, sure, and that was delightful. but that was a) a very different relationship dynamic, and b) we still had roommates. i am worried i'll put too much pressure on myself to entertain KW, with no one else to sweep him up into interesting things when i feel boring. i am, as always, concerned about being enough. about being entertaining enough, and about giving him enough space. i'm so glad that he's taking this leap with me, given that i know he did not like living with a past partner. i, on the other hand, loved living with ZM. we were best friends, being around him was as peaceful as being alone and as fun as being with friends. KW and i have not gotten enough opportunities to truly be alone, to be outside of outside pressures. we've never been on vacation together, really. he visited me in Boston, maybe that counts. i don't remember doing a lot with him, but i don't remember feeling unfulfilled. i remember wanting down time with him, because we missed doing nothing.

maybe living with him will encourage me to be more consistent about my attempts to be more. maybe i'll do more art. maybe i'll study more, learn more. invest in being interesting.

it's been about 3 years since we began falling for each other again. how many more years til i don't feel like i have to strive for his love? if i get to that point, will that be the beginning of the end? i worry sometimes - backed by my therapist's hypothesis - that things with ZM being so easy is part of why they didn't last. i think i took him for granted. i was never worried about doing things to keep him, and it kept me complacent. in choosing KW, i chose a certain amount of instability, and i knew this at the time. he made me (and makes me) want to be better, want to be more than i am, more than i've been. i want to be the best that he sees in me. and i don't know where he'll take me, never staying anywhere long. there will be no settling, with him.