steeped in the words of others

when i was younger i used to write out the lyrics to songs that moved me, or stuck with me. all the time. i'd have a notebook just for writing out songs by other people. is that weird? i find myself missing it. maybe it's part of my mental efforts to put myself back into a place where words used to flow through me. how many teenage habits can i adopt without reverting? i'm blogging, i'm writing out song lyrics... shit, i'm even dating my high school-era boyfriend. have i gone too far in the pursuit of poetry? in recapturing youthful habits in the hopes of rediscovering youthful words?

i think there's some drive to echo beauty. you know how when people - particularly kids, at least that's when i remember this - hear something funny, part of their appreciation of it is repeating it? i wonder if that's a similar instinct. i don't remember particularly feeling this desire in my baltimore era. or maybe call it my ZM era. if i had to hypothesize, i'd guess that back then i could sing more. we had more space, more privacy, more places to ourselves - our own building, a store i was frequently alone in, our enclosed car. i used to sing. all the time. i loved it. i miss that tremendously, too. i used to be able to sing along to songs i liked, if not at the top of my lungs then still passionately and frequently. that was my channeling the beauty, expressing that it moved me. and it really did (and does) feel cathartic on a soulful level. i think even in my new apartment i won't feel free to sing as much as i'd like. i learned how noise-permeable the walls of my childhood apartment were after hearing a first floor neighbor sing loudly one day, and instantly being horrified that my whole building could hear much more than i thought. sorry, neighbors.

so maybe now that i've been a few years without regular private car access and in a very non-soundproofed apartment, it's all pent up in me. if i can't use my voice and my lungs, i'll use my pen. ..and hope that KW doesn't think i'm super weird. there will be fewer habits i can hide from him, now.

creative envy

i found a piece of paper on which i'd written out a poem that KW wrote in april and sent to me on skype. he didn't tell me what it was about, but... i'm reasonably sure it's me. it was in a stack of papers and had a few books on top, and i melt when i read it.

you take me to your heart's home
willow-light, birch script lazy notes on lake borne breeze
i want to see this place in all its seasons
i want to know the road you walk down

childhood recalls you
remembrance light in cheeks flush with all your summers
i want to see this face in all its seasons
i want to know the road you walk down

i want to write a poem. the ache in me when i read beautiful words... the envy. why can't i put language together like that anymore?

i wrote so many poems about missing him, about not having him, about having him and then losing him... it's always been a challenge to write about something that doesn't come from a place of pain, but there's part of me that's still mildly surprised about not having had any poetry come to me about having him again.

how many old habits can i re-adopt in the hopes of slipping my brain back into producing poetry?

existential crisis time

we've signed the lease! the direction is forward, now. packing, logistics, all the shit i don't know how to stop obsessing about until it's resolved.

should i have KW make a zipcar account just for the month of April so that we can run apartment-setup errands without having to lug stuff on the subway or pay for expensive ubers? IKEA is so far.

see, that kind of stuff. i'm just not going to have a resolution for that yet. i want to solve all the problems but it can't be done all at once, by myself.

it's hard not to feel distant from KW right now. he's busy, i have only a sketchy idea of his schedule... i should check in and see if he's put in for the friday post-move off. see? logistics take over my brain. as i was saying... i texted him a time or two yesterday and didn't hear back until late, to learn that he had actually taken the day off and done nothing. why that didn't mean he could answer my texts, i am still unaware. sigh. it'll be less of a problem in 2 weeks. texting has never quite been his forte.

the rest of my time has been an existential crisis on a few levels. one, i decided to take the enneagram test (the free ones online, of course). i really tend not to buy into personality-descriptor type stuff, knowing that my birthday may class me as an aries but god, nothing about that sign describes me. and having taken online MBTI tests a few times and consistently getting different answers. do i have no personality? or poor self-awareness? it seems to have low test-retest reliability, to reach back into my college-brain for some psych research methods terminology.

anyway, as i was saying - i decided to take the enneagram to have another personality type indicator to reject. i got typed as a Nine (or 9 with a 1 wing), which i guess is the type that strives for peace and harmony in all things, including internally. which like... idk if that sounds like me. none of them sound like me. but apparently part of the Nine type can be poor introspection and therefore thinking that none of them sound like me. so that's been too much introspection for the past few days. i don't think it really has any implications on my life, but it does cause me an odd sense of anxiety in my chest to think about it.

the other existential crisis is that KW wants me to be more useful to the world. a job recruiter reached out to me on linkedin - and then followed up, which caught my attention - for a position in a truly frivolous industry with a starting pay of $100k. naturally, i followed up with the recruiter (unfortunately it didn't go anywhere), and i talked to KW about it. he was like, "wow, that's awesome, i'd definitely be happy for you if you made 6 figures... but also it's ridiculous that i save lives and am paid dirt." (i'm heavily paraphrasing here.)

he wound up calling me to chat about it and said that he feels like i don't respect the work i do - i disparage it by describing it just as "arranging rectangles". and he wants a) his partner to respect the work they do and b) to respect his partner's work, which is easier if they do. there's probably a good amount of imposter syndrome at play, and my own lack of self-confidence (it must be easy, if i can do it), and i told him as much. he said that he'd like to see me make a difference in people's lives, that i have a skill that is still (for now) relatively rare, and i could use it for good. i could help make websites for small woman-owned businesses, for instance. maybe that could be my job and i could take a step down in pay for it, or that i could do that volunteer work on the weekend or something if i still wanna stick with a high-paying, less-useful job.

i just... don't know what to do with this. i don't feel useful, i never have, and in all likelihood i never will. KW has always talked about his drive to feel useful, how that helps him feel better about himself - no matter how low he feels, he knows he's helping people who need it. and that's just never resonated with me. i don't know if it's that i'm selfish, but i think more so that i just feel innately useless. there's nothing i can do that someone else can't do better, and it would be a disservice to do something for someone when they could get someone better to do it for them. all i would do would be to come in and fuck it up and complicate their lives when i should be doing the opposite. like making a website for someone - no, they should have someone who's good at that do it. i can't take that kind of pressure. to know that if i fuck up there's actually something at stake. i will not rise to the occasion, i will not meet the expectation, i will let everyone down, and someone will suffer because i suck. that's why i don't want to do anything useful. like i said in a joking tone (but fully seriously) during a classroom mock interview during my coding program, my primary goal anywhere is just to not fuck things up. i can either have no effect, or a negative one, and i don't want to have a negative effect so i will aim to move quietly through the world and leave it undisturbed. i want to not make a place worse for my presence.

one of the things that drove me to choose KW instead of running from my feelings way back when is that he really does make me want to be better. he's always seen potential in me. in my most insecure moments i've described it as him seeing something incredible in me, falling in love with that possibility, and then being let down and leaving when i show him i'm too fearful to be what he wants me to be. i think to describe this as being fearful would imply i see a truth in it i'm just too timid to reach out and grasp. that's not the case here. i have no idea what i could possibly offer the world, and as such my life philosophy is basically the macroscopic equivalent of "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all."

i guess this will have to be another thing i strive for to keep him. i try to be braver, i try to be less insecure, i try to be more interesting... i'll have to try to be useful. i thought i could get away without it, but i guess i was wrong.

progress on a place

we may have found the place. hopefully the minor snags in our application materials do indeed prove minor - KW has no credit history, having never had a credit card nor taken out a loan (although mine is quite excellent), and my state learner permit appears to be expired on its face, but that's because it was valid until April 2020, and we know what was going on then. certainly no permit renewals. the state has officially extended its validity on word alone, through at least the end of this month. i just need the rental company to understand that word. financially, we hit all the targets. fingers crossed.

it's a one bedroom, as opposed to the two bedroom places we'd set out for initially. but it was just proving too hard to find a two bedroom that didn't.... well, kinda suck. or have obvious detractions, usually in size or light. and seldom any amenities. the place has a small kitchen, counter space at a premium, and unfortunately no dishwasher. but it does have a sizable balcony, all surrounded by brick to the sides and overhead, making it feel secure enough for me to sit out there and work, or enjoy watching a thunderstorm. it gets good light, is in a relatively convenient location (slightly more so than where KW currently lives, anyway), and the bedroom is big enough for our bed and nightstands and probably at least one dresser. huzzah. he will just have to live with my nail polish collection in plain sight. but god, it will be nice to have our own outdoor space. i can even sit outside to do my nails, when the weather is nice, and not stink up the place. maybe do art outside, if the paper doesn't blow away.

my sketch based on memory and no measurements

my nerves have shifted. i can't really let up the search yet, not knowing if we'll be approved. and we won't be approved until after i can drop off a deposit, and send out our file of information. i was sort of hoping one of the listings i visited today would send me a video of the space, because it was very similar but i really liked it. worse oven (smaller; no window to watch my bakes), but a forthcoming dishwasher soon. and central air, plus a nicer building staircase, on a lower (but still top) floor. balcony rear-facing, and again very conveniently located. arguably a shade more so, being one train stop closer to manhattan. unfortunately it comes with a broker fee, and without laundry in the building.

anyway, sorry for all the tedium. i am, to no one's surprise, obsessive about this. but god it would feel good to be on pace for moving April 1st without stressing about cutting it close. about being able to close this chapter of uncertainty.

for another, of course. this morning i woke after a fit of restless sleep, feeling like i was dreaming half-awake about setting up the new apartment. KW was really cute the other day, though. we had a chat about our rental options, having previously ruled out listings that have a gross rent outside our budget but are offering months free, thereby lowering the net rent across a year lease to something we could afford. i didn't want to entertain the idea, knowing that when it comes time to raise the rent the following year, they'll raise it based on the gross rent, and we will not be able to afford to live there any longer. i'm so sick of moving every year, i really just want to find a comfortable place and stay put for a while. but KW raised the point that at this point, he's not looking for a place to live long-term, just a place to live with me. in a year we'll both be in financially better standings, though, and be able to increase our budget substantially, him having doubled his earnings and me having hopefully sorted out the open question at work of how much i'll be expected to travel again once that's feasible. i hope to be able to renegotiate so that a) they substantially reimburse me, b) they cancel my travel at least mostly, or c) they raise my salary in accordance with the travel, at least partly. i'm just glad he really wants to live with me. not being able to see each other and really be able to relax with each other is just awful.

although we were talking about it when the application was proceeding quickly and he was like "oh, this is really happening fast. is this the place we'll be taking? the commute's kind of awful for me, but the window's closing on finding that miracle spot..." and i know that he was just airing what the downside is, with his family all in brooklyn and commuting there being a bitch from where he's at now, which is pretty close to where we'll be moving. but then i found myself worried i'd failed us. like i should have done better. but he liked the place! he was the one that was like, we should put in an application in case this place gets away from us. so i know that's not a rational fear. i put in so much work, it was exhausting. and i'm just ready to be done. the next time we move, we can do it together. we can search together, snuggling in bed and going on showings together. i did tell him i was worried i didn't do a good job if he'd rather be in brooklyn, and he was like "that you might think that occurred to me, and i was like 'i hope she doesn't think that.' but no, not at all, and i'm very grateful to you for taking the lead on this." so, i should let that nagging thought fade away.

anyway, there's my rant. i'm so decision-fatigued.

under pressure

i am anxiety.

there's a tension in my chest and i'm holding my breath absentmindedly. i clench my teeth and then realize i'm doing so and try to relax my jaw but suddenly i'm biting my cheek instead. on the other side of a month, things will work out. (probably.) it just sucks that i'm the one that has to work it out. i talked to my therapist about how i guess at the end of all this i won't have an excuse to call myself not an adult anymore. i've never felt independent or capable of anything, at least far behind where all my friends have been. is this a crash course to catch me up?

i just want to know where i'll be living. and i want it to be good. i won't get everything i want but what compromises will i make? will i live in the dark with no views other than brick walls? will i have no living room to speak of? will i have to go at least a year without taking a bath and soaking my back? already seems likely that i won't have a dishwasher or access to a roof or balcony. i want a window in my living room that does something besides look into another person's living room window. i'm so tired of living in my bedroom, i want my living room to be the most pleasant place in the house. i want to have a reason to get out of bed, ever.

i have decision fatigue. i look at apartments, i decide if i like them. i decide if it's worth going to see them. i decide if it's worth applying. i'm trying to decide if i should get a new credit card, because i want another one and the moving period will be a high-spend time that'll sail me right over most bonus requirements. probably.

i should learn how to meditate, i think. all the shit i said at the start of this post still applies. i'm literally holding my breath while typing this sentence. why am i like this? how do i calm myself down? coping mechanism?

i hate this. i have always hated decisions and responsibility and now somehow my life is full of it. god i just want to go back to normal. i just want to be able to breathe again. mid-april, i will turn 29, hopefully my apartment will be adequately furnished, and i can start a new year of life in my first Independent apartment with a partner. i'll be able to cuddle him whenever i want*. he'll cook me dinner and teach me how to make a good bolognese sauce. i will be able to relax. there will be relaxation in my future.

*when he is home

it is 4:30 pm on a thursday. i think i'll put a bottle of wine in the fridge to chill it so i can pour a large glass soon.

P.S., at some point i should probably mentally revisit the fact that i keep feeling like everything is a first? am i discrediting my past achievements, or encouraging myself to feel like i'm continually accomplishing things? this apartment with KW feels like a marked achievement because it will be my first place that will be totally in my control (shared control, but still, no roommates), and the first place i'll have to fully set up myself, be in charge of utilities. but it's not the first place i'm finding by myself (that was boston) or applying to by myself (again, boston) or signing a lease (boston yet again), or living independently in the city (that's here!), or living with a partner (that was baltimore). it's less a big leap into an unknown i'm unqualified for than the next logical baby step toward adulthood... right?

there's a place for us

a zillion zillow tabs

god, this apartment search is weighing on me. i know it doesn't need to. i'm sure we'll be okay. i just cannot stand all the uncertainty. i literally do not know what my address will be in a month. i know i'll be paying too much rent, though. i don't know if i'll have to pay a fucking broker fee. i don't know where i'll be living, and i don't know how the lease will get finished out here. i don't know if AZ2 (yes, that's not me) and FB will still live here after may, and neither do they. will i get furniture out of the deal if the apartment needs to be emptied? i can't count on that, and likely won't be able to nearly until may begins. i just want all the answers, and i don't get them yet.

i need to calm the fuck down though, because i'm even getting insecure about KW. and that's just fucking dumb. we don't talk enough, because he's busy, because he's tired, because he's stressed... probably in at least small part because he's resentful that he can't see me. at least besides when we go on apartment tours together. and that's where i know i'm being stupid - there's no reason to be insecure. he loves me, and trusts that he will continue to, or he literally would not be searching for apartments with me. shut the fuck up, demon brain.

i'm nervous. i've never lived in a place that's just me and a partner before. i lived with ZM, sure, and that was delightful. but that was a) a very different relationship dynamic, and b) we still had roommates. i am worried i'll put too much pressure on myself to entertain KW, with no one else to sweep him up into interesting things when i feel boring. i am, as always, concerned about being enough. about being entertaining enough, and about giving him enough space. i'm so glad that he's taking this leap with me, given that i know he did not like living with a past partner. i, on the other hand, loved living with ZM. we were best friends, being around him was as peaceful as being alone and as fun as being with friends. KW and i have not gotten enough opportunities to truly be alone, to be outside of outside pressures. we've never been on vacation together, really. he visited me in Boston, maybe that counts. i don't remember doing a lot with him, but i don't remember feeling unfulfilled. i remember wanting down time with him, because we missed doing nothing.

maybe living with him will encourage me to be more consistent about my attempts to be more. maybe i'll do more art. maybe i'll study more, learn more. invest in being interesting.

it's been about 3 years since we began falling for each other again. how many more years til i don't feel like i have to strive for his love? if i get to that point, will that be the beginning of the end? i worry sometimes - backed by my therapist's hypothesis - that things with ZM being so easy is part of why they didn't last. i think i took him for granted. i was never worried about doing things to keep him, and it kept me complacent. in choosing KW, i chose a certain amount of instability, and i knew this at the time. he made me (and makes me) want to be better, want to be more than i am, more than i've been. i want to be the best that he sees in me. and i don't know where he'll take me, never staying anywhere long. there will be no settling, with him.