it's been a while

i started this draft when it was nearly september. ...2021, that is. i can't believe a year went by so fast. ...i only said that for the rent reference, in truth. it hasn't seemed very fast at all. but it also has? it's been the bulk of my time living with KW so far. we've been at it an entire year past what i was writing about last time. i think we've gotten better at it, in some ways. in most ways. it has certainly helped that he's not in school anymore. he graduated! it did look dicey near the end there, with him working wild hours to finish his term project and truly falling short in some aspects, but everyone in his course knew how damn good he is and they pushed him to pass. and he did, and he managed to take the paramedic test with admittedly minimal practice time because he learned it was scheduled with only like 4 days of lead time, and he fucking knocked it out of the park on the first try. i knew he would, i honestly did. it was hard not to put pressure on him, because i've been there - i've been the person people are saying "i know you'll succeed" to, and worrying that if the very real possibility of failure comes to fruition, i'll have disappointed not only myself but them as well. and i understand the paramedic test to be fucking hard as hell, with a lower pass rate than the goddamn bar exam. his failing would not reflect poorly on him and i needed him to know i would understand that. but, quietly, confidently, i was certain that if anyone could succeed, it would be him. and lo, i was right.

so he's been a fully certified paramedic for just coming on a year now. he's only working just a little less than full time, three days a week, because he was hoping to pick up more shifts here and there with the flexibility in his schedule. he largely has not, unfortunately. i don't know how to encourage him properly. some things never change. we're similar in that way. all too happy to coast. happy's not the right word there. but... you get it.

i've been binge watching zoey's extraordinary playlist for the past few days. this show was not correctly marketed. it has so much goddamn heart. i thought it would be some cheesy musical sitcom, but it is much more dramatic and real than that. and emotional. i have cried at like 80% of the episodes. and i'm not usually so weepy at television! i just watched the episode where her father passes away (i'm sorry if this spoils anything for *checks stats* no one, but also, you know it's coming.) and fucking ugly cried, multiple times.

once my face isn't so tearstained and my eyes aren't so red, i really ought to go for a walk. i wanna pick up a claw clip for my hair. i know, this is interesting shit. i just wanna take better care of myself. since my last post, i lost like 8 pounds. i probably gained that too, though, before losing it. so it feels like i've made progress but in that regard i'm probably back where i started. weighing about the same since like april. and here we are, in september 2022. i've bought myself new shampoo, have... at times sustained a skincare regimen, but i've fallen off that wagon again. i wanna be able to put my hair up in a non-damaging way to my hair and my scalp. so it seems a claw clip is the way to go, best i've found.

i received a blessing from the federal government recently, what with the biden administration forgiving $20000 of my debt. well, a shade under $20k. i'd actually paid my balance down to about $13400 with $1200 in payments stashed in a savings account just waiting for the forbearance to end, because i wanted to see what was going to happen with that $10k forgiveness, hopefully before the midterm elections. and we got it! but fuck, i had not expected an additional $10k forgiven! i got pell grants to pay for some of college! i was already grateful for them, but fuck they just became even more of a blessing, like 12 years later. i'm debt-free. and not only that, but because i'd paid so much during the forbearance period, i was able to request a refund of nearly $6600, to bring me as close to a $20k balance as i could, without over-refunding and having to make an exact payment. the government can keep my extra $40. i'll take the freedom. it's funny how much some extra room in my budget can feel like getting a raise. ...even though i still haven't gotten a raise and i really need to ask for one. that'll be an issue for another time.

work's been okay. only okay. maybe slightly less than okay. i did get my best friend AD a job with me! which sometimes i feel guilty about because the company does let her down at times. she's the only one dedicated to a specific client project and she doesn't get the support we should be giving her to execute her duties in a timely way. i feel bad about that. i also want a fucking raise. i interviewed for another company a few months back, which provided a wake-up call to me. i was recruited, but failed the technical interview. i received the nicest rejection letter one could hope to get, which said that by all accounts i seem like a delight to work alongside every day, and if i can just... get better, they'd be happy to interview me again in the future. so i've tried, in fits and starts, to study code in my free time. it's really hard to dedicate myself to that when it's what i already do for work. i think i'm feeling burnt out. i just want a vacation, all the time. i even took one, mostly. went to the outer banks with my friends for a week in july. and it was fantastic! i'd never been on a plane by myself before, never booked my own ticket, organized all (okay, most... i coordinated with JB&AS to benefit from their rental car) my own travel. i'm thirty years old, is it sad to feel really proud of myself for that? it was really great to get away for a while, even though i worked remotely for two days while i was down there.

KW and i are going to iceland for a week, really soon. since that's international travel i won't be working at all, and i cannot wait. if what was basically a collection of 3- and 4-day weekends was restorative, i bet a week will be amazing. i hope we travel well together. it'll be interesting to learn how we mesh with so much time off together. we went away together for literally the first time ever, for my 30th birthday in april. just to an airbnb in the berkshires, to get out of the city. and it was nice. nothing extravagant. accidentally went on too much of a hike on the day of, so it was very low-key after that. a whole week together, that we've planned entirely ourselves. internationally!! i've never been on my own in a country where i don't even speak the language. sure, i know pretty much everyone in iceland speaks english as well, but... i don't know. it's hard not to feel underprepared i guess, especially with my love of languages. but yeah, he decided to splurge and treat me really well for my 30th birthday, with tickets to iceland. seems random, but he does know it's always been a dream of mine to see the northern lights. we're hoping we can thread the needle with the seasons and be late enough in the year to see the lights but have enough daylight to see the country. i'm sure it'll be absolutely phenomenal, either way. i'm looking forward to taking tons of pictures and definitely slowing us down at every step of the way to do so.

this is just a picture i stole from a google image search for "iceland" but this is kirkjufell which is one of the stops on our trip, and if i'm lucky i'll get my own version of this very photo... albeit probably (and indeed hopefully) with a lot less snow, and very likely not at night either.

i miss writing. i know, it's the same old words from me in that regard. that's why i'm writing this post, finally, a year in the making. saying nothing of consequence. i read some of my old posts and actually really liked some of what i wrote. nothing this time, though. no profundity. no nice turns of phrase. no deep feelings delicately described. maybe someday.

when i come back from iceland, i think i'll get a second piercing in each lobe. and i want to start taking classes, for fun. in my free time. i want to avoid lifestyle creep, especially since with the extra funds from my would-be loan payments i can maybe afford to buy real estate before i'm 40. but i also want to live my life the best i can, and not hold back. fully commit to things. enrich my own life. be my best person. it's not entirely for myself.

reluctantly 29

i have aged, officially. i feel cheated by it. i just feel so fucking cheated out of a year of my life. and obviously people had it worse, people lost lives, not just spent a year hiding in their apartment. but i do find myself very unhappy about the fact that 2020 had to count toward my age. how was i 28, when i barely left a 3 block radius around my apartment? please wipe it clean off my time slate and allow me to start fresh at 28 again, give it a real go this time.

anyway, i suppose that feels like old news, now. will i be excited, when my next birthday is 30, or will i be too ready to pump the breaks on acknowledging and celebrating aging?

so we're settling in together. there is still much unpacking to do, and decorating, and acquiring remaining supplemental pieces of furniture to make the space more livable. i'm frustrated by not having space to put everything away. there are the miscellaneous remaining boxes that are stubborn. some art supplies, toiletries, medicine, towels... and mostly just junk. but it's junk i have a hard time parting with, the junk whose only use is sentiment. i just want everything to have A Place and this apartment is approximately one closet shy of making that happen. a proper linen closet would be life changing.

i find that i feel i have less time than i did at my old apartment. as though there are more things grabbing my attention and i'm doing less of them. i have to clean, constantly, i don't seem to read much anymore... i don't know where my down time has gone. consequently, time for introspection has gone with it, hence the relative quiet on this blog. my brain doesn't do the things right now that used to make me want an outlet. there's nothing to get out.

it's probably that KW fills the small pieces of time that would otherwise add up. even though i am here in the apartment alone without him a lot, given his insane schedule. but the in-between hours turn into waiting. and once he's home, we catch up, we watch TV. we've finally been able to live out my utterly mundane adult fantasy of being able to cuddle together on our couch in our own apartment and watch west wing on our own TV. just something about that image seemed like a picture of such an adult, stable relationship, and that's what i wanted, and now it's come true. that part is lovely. but what hobby am i replacing with KW time? we started dating in part because i felt enriched by him. i want that to continue. to find time for the things that made him love me while still having him around. i didn't expect this to be a challenge. i expected the boredom to come from me, not from a lack of time.

well, it's the adjustment period, and still won't really settle into reality for another month or more as KW gears up for 44 days without a single day off. i'm going to spend May essentially role playing as a housewife and i could not be less excited for that. i don't want it to set bad precedents, because i find habits so easily established by places. how you begin to live in a new place often becomes how you always live there. a new scene sets a new scene. this is our new scene, but i don't want my role to be cleaning and cooking and looking after a busy man. i look forward to setting up our life together when he has more of it to share.

anyway, because i'm totally not a housewife i'm going to now do so many dishes and take out the trash and recycling and go grocery shopping and then try to make brownies. i saw friends outside for a little barbecue on saturday and JB sent me home with her leftover container of homemade caramel sauce. like a fool, so easily parted.