i guess this is what i do in march

for context, i wrote this on 3/24/24

almost exactly one year since the last entry i wrote. maybe it's that like... new year's resolution hangover. people have given up on journals and planners and new year's organization. i actually literally am sitting next to a journal i bought on a whim at staples (their promotional same-day discount for when you make an online amazon/paypal return in store is really effective) and haven't used because uh.... of the very sane and understandable reason that it is too pretty to waste. so whatever i do in it had better be very intentional and not at all a mistake or just something i'll ramble in about my relationship for 3 months before giving up on it and sticking it on a bookshelf and hoping KW never gets curious about all these notebooks on the shelf (the bullet journal graveyard of years past is there to keep it company).

or maybe it's just the last throes of seasonal depression. it's been sort of a rough couple of weeks on the joy front for me. for no particular reason. i just feel aimless and restless and rather existentially joyless. days pass by simply scrolling them by like a boring tiktok. except because i don't want tiktok on my phone i wind up scrolling through instagram reels like the out-of-touch millennial i have become. every day is me trying to convince myself to do something better with my free time, and then i just simply do not. didn't i used to enjoy my life? i mean... i was always depressed but i used to have fun. nothing like the rose-tinted nostalgia glasses of present-day ennui.

actually speaking of a pretentious french word, i am beginning french classes this week. i hope i'm excited about it. i mean, i am excited about it, but honestly mostly i think it's simply because it's something to do. a way to spend my time doing something a little more engaged. maybe that's... enough? is that what people do? things, just to have something to do that isn't nothing?

well, not a good sign that i got tired of even this. it just feels like i lack the drive to overcome any amount of inertia in performing any task. i tried to do some pilates just to get some proper exercise in this week and i honestly gave up like less than 5 minutes in. i did some of my own stretching and pushups and stuff but like... i just didn't have the will. i don't have the will for anything. i'm just being dragged along by the current of time. and it's sunday, so... yay, back to work tomorrow and then i'll just keep waiting for the next weekend to come so i can do nothing once again on my own time. it feels like boston. boston didn't feel good.