under pressure

i am anxiety.

there's a tension in my chest and i'm holding my breath absentmindedly. i clench my teeth and then realize i'm doing so and try to relax my jaw but suddenly i'm biting my cheek instead. on the other side of a month, things will work out. (probably.) it just sucks that i'm the one that has to work it out. i talked to my therapist about how i guess at the end of all this i won't have an excuse to call myself not an adult anymore. i've never felt independent or capable of anything, at least far behind where all my friends have been. is this a crash course to catch me up?

i just want to know where i'll be living. and i want it to be good. i won't get everything i want but what compromises will i make? will i live in the dark with no views other than brick walls? will i have no living room to speak of? will i have to go at least a year without taking a bath and soaking my back? already seems likely that i won't have a dishwasher or access to a roof or balcony. i want a window in my living room that does something besides look into another person's living room window. i'm so tired of living in my bedroom, i want my living room to be the most pleasant place in the house. i want to have a reason to get out of bed, ever.

i have decision fatigue. i look at apartments, i decide if i like them. i decide if it's worth going to see them. i decide if it's worth applying. i'm trying to decide if i should get a new credit card, because i want another one and the moving period will be a high-spend time that'll sail me right over most bonus requirements. probably.

i should learn how to meditate, i think. all the shit i said at the start of this post still applies. i'm literally holding my breath while typing this sentence. why am i like this? how do i calm myself down? coping mechanism?

i hate this. i have always hated decisions and responsibility and now somehow my life is full of it. god i just want to go back to normal. i just want to be able to breathe again. mid-april, i will turn 29, hopefully my apartment will be adequately furnished, and i can start a new year of life in my first Independent apartment with a partner. i'll be able to cuddle him whenever i want*. he'll cook me dinner and teach me how to make a good bolognese sauce. i will be able to relax. there will be relaxation in my future.

*when he is home

it is 4:30 pm on a thursday. i think i'll put a bottle of wine in the fridge to chill it so i can pour a large glass soon.

P.S., at some point i should probably mentally revisit the fact that i keep feeling like everything is a first? am i discrediting my past achievements, or encouraging myself to feel like i'm continually accomplishing things? this apartment with KW feels like a marked achievement because it will be my first place that will be totally in my control (shared control, but still, no roommates), and the first place i'll have to fully set up myself, be in charge of utilities. but it's not the first place i'm finding by myself (that was boston) or applying to by myself (again, boston) or signing a lease (boston yet again), or living independently in the city (that's here!), or living with a partner (that was baltimore). it's less a big leap into an unknown i'm unqualified for than the next logical baby step toward adulthood... right?