movin' on up

view of the entryway, ft. large box of broken down boxes from the move

literally, up. KW and i are all moved in to our new apartment, which is on the fourth (top) floor of a walk-up building. it was exhausting. it's nice to be here though. it started by feeling... oddly surreal. like this was just an odd vacation home. a stopover, somewhere and somehow and with all our stuff. it's begun to feel more normal though... funny how that changes. how home is so much more a feeling than a place, and how we almost bureaucratically override that periodically by moving. it takes feelings a while to catch up, like they took the cheapest shipping method to get there.

my birthday is tomorrow; i'll be 29. if i think about it too long i get angry that i was robbed of the opportunity to be 28 at all. second pandemic birthday... i always used to be so obnoxious about my birthday. it was my favorite holiday, essentially. i've never particularly liked attention, but on my birthday i wanted it. maybe the pandemic has finally killed that for me. it feels like it's sneaking up on me this time. like, usually by april first i'm all about "it's my birthday month!!" but... now my birthday is tomorrow. i took the day off, but i pretty much just intend to sleep til 11 and then play video games for the rest of the day. KW has a full day of school from 8 am to about 10 pm. i'll go get a nice coffee at starbucks, trek for my favorite bagel place, and go buy a hopefully-discounted bottle of wine from a place i half-tried to talk into giving me the member discount for my birthday even though i'm not a member. maybe i'll chat with some friends online for a little bit. i find myself not particularly excited. did i get any birthday gifts last year? i don't even recall. god, last year was a horrible birthday. a year ago today, KW started showing early symptoms of covid. a year ago tomorrow, his symptoms advanced and were undeniably covid. i spent my birthday crying and terrified and overwhelmed, and still reeling from an exhausting, stressful, and insanity-inducing weekend. so... this birthday is best viewed in comparison with my 28th, i suppose. still, i miss birthdays of yore. being able to get out of town, be taken to a nice dinner, and just spend the day with someone who loves me. that's all i want, really. i guess for my 30th birthday, maybe that'll be possible then.

i know i have more to say, but none of it is ever important. it's fleeting, leaves no impact on my brain and i forget i ever wanted to say it.