i have aged, officially. i feel cheated by it. i just feel so fucking cheated out of a year of my life. and obviously people had it worse, people lost lives, not just spent a year hiding in their apartment. but i do find myself very unhappy about the fact that 2020 had to count toward my age. how was i 28, when i barely left a 3 block radius around my apartment? please wipe it clean off my time slate and allow me to start fresh at 28 again, give it a real go this time.
anyway, i suppose that feels like old news, now. will i be excited, when my next birthday is 30, or will i be too ready to pump the breaks on acknowledging and celebrating aging?
so we're settling in together. there is still much unpacking to do, and decorating, and acquiring remaining supplemental pieces of furniture to make the space more livable. i'm frustrated by not having space to put everything away. there are the miscellaneous remaining boxes that are stubborn. some art supplies, toiletries, medicine, towels... and mostly just junk. but it's junk i have a hard time parting with, the junk whose only use is sentiment. i just want everything to have A Place and this apartment is approximately one closet shy of making that happen. a proper linen closet would be life changing.
i find that i feel i have less time than i did at my old apartment. as though there are more things grabbing my attention and i'm doing less of them. i have to clean, constantly, i don't seem to read much anymore... i don't know where my down time has gone. consequently, time for introspection has gone with it, hence the relative quiet on this blog. my brain doesn't do the things right now that used to make me want an outlet. there's nothing to get out.
it's probably that KW fills the small pieces of time that would otherwise add up. even though i am here in the apartment alone without him a lot, given his insane schedule. but the in-between hours turn into waiting. and once he's home, we catch up, we watch TV. we've finally been able to live out my utterly mundane adult fantasy of being able to cuddle together on our couch in our own apartment and watch west wing on our own TV. just something about that image seemed like a picture of such an adult, stable relationship, and that's what i wanted, and now it's come true. that part is lovely. but what hobby am i replacing with KW time? we started dating in part because i felt enriched by him. i want that to continue. to find time for the things that made him love me while still having him around. i didn't expect this to be a challenge. i expected the boredom to come from me, not from a lack of time.
well, it's the adjustment period, and still won't really settle into reality for another month or more as KW gears up for 44 days without a single day off. i'm going to spend May essentially role playing as a housewife and i could not be less excited for that. i don't want it to set bad precedents, because i find habits so easily established by places. how you begin to live in a new place often becomes how you always live there. a new scene sets a new scene. this is our new scene, but i don't want my role to be cleaning and cooking and looking after a busy man. i look forward to setting up our life together when he has more of it to share.
anyway, because i'm totally not a housewife i'm going to now do so many dishes and take out the trash and recycling and go grocery shopping and then try to make brownies. i saw friends outside for a little barbecue on saturday and JB sent me home with her leftover container of homemade caramel sauce. like a fool, so easily parted.
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