the pleasures of connection, part two

back on my old blog, the one i wrote when i was 19 and anorexic (and god, reading it back i really do sound so young), i made a post titled "the pleasures of connection" when i met someone new unexpectedly and hit it off with them. i suppose that's not very profound, but... it's what's come to mind lately.

i met someone new. no, this isn't an announcement of a new soulmate or that KW and i are breaking up, or anything like that. i'm not in love. not with anyone besides KW anyway. but... something interesting is happening. this is someone i've chatted with off and on online for a few years now. i'll call him IE. we spoke very frequently for a many months back in 2023/2024, before it kind of fizzled out. i helped talk him through calling off an engagement. we candidly talked about all sorts of subjects, including our respective relationships. in some ways we were familiar with each other's struggles, having experienced similar ones. it was always very mostly platonic. sure, there was some flirting, mostly on his part. he had some qualities i find attractive, if you describe my type you basically described him, but he was also a lil goofy looking and a couple years younger than me and like, we were just friends.

anyway, as i said, it fizzled out eventually. just sort of naturally drifted into talking less, and then hardly ever. for about a year, maybe? closer to a year and a half. and he lived abroad when we started talking, from the US but living in europe. he moved back to the US earlier this year, and wound up basing himself temporarily out of maine. he was coming down to the city for a couple events one weekend and was like hey if you're down we could meet up and hang out. and even though it'd been a bit since we regularly chatted i had every confidence that it'd be a fun, cool time. i really felt virtually no social anxiety about it, which is rare. i felt like we just had a guaranteed good rapport. and i was right! we got dinner and drinks when i was done with work on friday, and had a fantastic time. near the end of the night, after a few drinks on both our parts he asked pretty directly and respectfully, are we meeting up as a friend thing or like is something more on the table? because i'd told him in the past as online friends that KW and i had had some troubles in our sex life and also had been discussing open relationships, but those waters were uncharted for us, but the possibility was sort of abstractly there someday. and i knew he was attracted to me, and i think he figured on some level i was likely attracted to him too, but i wasn't sure tbh. so, y'know, fair play to IE to ask. i told him let's just hang out as friends, and he accepted that.

we parted ways on friday night with optimistically tentative plans for him to come out to my neighborhood for trivia on sunday. come sunday, those plans changed because of his timelines shifting, but i made an impulsive decision to go into the city for a couple hours to hang out with him sort of aimlessly, just wandering around chelsea/midtown with his camera. during our walk, i was aware sometimes of our hands brushing, of him teasing me that i couldn't be a hot girl if i didn't know plants, and him even telling me outright that he was trying to thread the needle of sufficiently downplaying his crush on me while still leaving it obvious. god, his boldness is so alien to me. anyway, this all contributed to a palpable vibe shift at the moment of farewell. there we were, on the corner of 14th and 8th, my old stomping ground, having hugged goodbye but both lingering, just kind of... looking at each other, so clear that neither of us wanted to end our time together when who knew how many months it might be til we got to see each other again. so clear that there could be a kiss between us, so clear we both felt it. eventually he hugged me one more time and planted a fat kiss on my cheek, and we finally said goodbye. i got on the bus to union square, and he went back up to his hotel for his date that night. emboldened by farewell, and partly driven, i suppose, to let him know that my telling him that friday was just as friends wasn't down to lack of interest, i texted him that he was much cuter in person than i had anticipated. and i guess that broke the barrier - now our mutual attraction was acknowledged. he tried to get me to turn around and come back, but that seemed unwise. so i continued home. he pitched the insane idea of me joining him for a sunrise photoshoot in DUMBO the next morning and i was like nah man that's not happening, and besides i have work. eventually we decided he'd come out to my neighborhood to grab lunch with me and see me one last time before he went back to maine. he said he wasn't sure why he so adamantly felt the need to see me again, but that he tries to listen to gut instincts.

i started to talk to KW that night, because after the almost almost kiss with IE, and with the irish guy last summer, clearly lingering in this "we've talked about being open but haven't pulled the trigger" zone is a recipe for disaster. i'm going to take something too far, and this isn't sustainable. but he was home from a long demanding work day on not enough sleep, so it wasn't really a good time for the whole conversation. but when i said that it's been confusing being in this position where two people have tried to kiss me and i'm really not sure if it's an option for me, he said he does think that's an option. but we left it there, bookmarked to return to with more bandwidth.

that night i had a dream in which KW told me after that conversation that he'd kissed someone else, and in my dream i kind of leapt straight over offense or hurt to "sweet, this means i can kiss IE at lunch tomorrow." and i woke up very disoriented by that whole thing having not happened at all, and therefore my conclusion not being true. it left me in a very strange headspace. and then i met him for a bagel on my lunch break. i don't usually even take a lunch break so he already had me breaking patterns for him. and he was waiting for me outside my local supermarket. i approached him and straight away, he kissed me. and i didn't stop him. i kissed him back, and not a little bit. i was quite in my head though, and it was so strange to be kissing someone who wasn't my partner of seven years. i was kind of yelling at myself in my own head that i wasn't sure this should be happening. after, we started walking toward the bagel place and both unsure of what to say. he said "yeah, i need to let the butterflies settle." and i thought to myself but did not say out loud "butterflies, huh? i felt that lower." because while i had not had butterflies and had mostly been going "!!!!!!????!!!" in my own head, there was definitely some kind of physical response occurring iykwim.

so we had bagels, and chatted for the better part of an hour, until reluctantly i had to get home and resume my work day, somehow, impossibly. we kissed one last time, chastely, at the train, before saying a final farewell so he could go back to maine and i could go back to my mundane monday.

but then we never stopped talking.

i talked to KW about the kiss that night, and that cracked the conversation about openness open properly. but clearly neither of us really knew where to begin. but one thing was clearly stated by both of us: our relationship as-is does not have a future. if we remain in a monogamous closed relationship, we will implode. neither of us are happy with our bedroom life, and it's going to lead to bad places unless we try something. yeah, openness might be catastrophic, but doing nothing would be heartbreaking. and god, i'd feel so bitter if something as "petty" as sex broke up such a fucking solid relationship. but... we didn't really get to the point of defining the parameters of an open relationship for us in a practical sense, but we had to sleep so we put a pin in it and knew we had to once again circle back to it at a later date. leaving things uncertain clearly doesn't work.

but after certain things and permissions being granted in my relationship when i was talking to someone online hot and heavy earlier this year, i've sort of been running with that as license to have some fun with IE over text, talking about some possible - and like actually possible? - future where KW and i have figured out what will work for us and i can actually like legitimately sleep with IE. and god, do i want to. GOD do i want to. the possibility is... so tantalizing. he's told me a couple times to come up to maine and see him. he's really trying to get me to do it. not in like a pushy or domineering way, but... he really does want me. how fucking phenomenal that feels after so long not feeling that way.

even talking not-sexually has just been intoxicating. it's hard to put my phone down. i've been so unproductive at work. it's so... fulfilling to get to hit it off with someone new. it's so hard to not get addicted to this feeling. why is learning about someone sometimes so much more satisfying and addictive and... a rush than actually knowing them in an intimate and sustained way? i suppose it's likely the possibility left in the unknown. the sort of dopamine hits of new levels of knowledge being uncovered with more conversation. i... don't know how to be smart about this. i should be smart about this. i'm feeling too many echoes of ZM/KW, even though the title is a callback to HB way back in the day.

what the fuck am i doing?

things you forget, or remember

it's funny, the way we can linger in someone's memory.

we know the ways people linger in ours, of course. we can feel them. we know we listen to this band because of someone we met in college, because of a drive we took late one night; we know we like a certain dish because we had it states away, on a trip. we remember a dress we had in preschool gifted to us by a classmate. we remember the first time we learned about batman, or played nba jam, or learned that you could do tricks on a trampoline. or the smell of someone's house that has too many cats. even maybe someone we never met. we can think of them when looking at a landscape, because it reminds you of a photo they sent you once of the area near their house, in another country.

my friend, a dear friend but someone i don't talk to often anymore, texted me out of the blue to say he was thinking of me because he'd invented a malaphor at work. that he said to someone they have bigger fish to put before the horse. and... what that makes me think of is my grandmother. whom i never met, but i would hear from my mom the way she said things like "you buttered your bread, now lay in it." instead of "you buttered your bread, now eat it" or "you made your bed, now lay in it."

and so not only do phrases like that make me think of someone i never knew, but apparently at one point in time i told that to this friend of mine. i have no recollection of doing so, but now phrases like that make him think of me.

i wonder what other parts of me exist in the consciousness of other people.

i guess this is what i do in march

for context, i wrote this on 3/24/24

almost exactly one year since the last entry i wrote. maybe it's that like... new year's resolution hangover. people have given up on journals and planners and new year's organization. i actually literally am sitting next to a journal i bought on a whim at staples (their promotional same-day discount for when you make an online amazon/paypal return in store is really effective) and haven't used because uh.... of the very sane and understandable reason that it is too pretty to waste. so whatever i do in it had better be very intentional and not at all a mistake or just something i'll ramble in about my relationship for 3 months before giving up on it and sticking it on a bookshelf and hoping KW never gets curious about all these notebooks on the shelf (the bullet journal graveyard of years past is there to keep it company).

or maybe it's just the last throes of seasonal depression. it's been sort of a rough couple of weeks on the joy front for me. for no particular reason. i just feel aimless and restless and rather existentially joyless. days pass by simply scrolling them by like a boring tiktok. except because i don't want tiktok on my phone i wind up scrolling through instagram reels like the out-of-touch millennial i have become. every day is me trying to convince myself to do something better with my free time, and then i just simply do not. didn't i used to enjoy my life? i mean... i was always depressed but i used to have fun. nothing like the rose-tinted nostalgia glasses of present-day ennui.

actually speaking of a pretentious french word, i am beginning french classes this week. i hope i'm excited about it. i mean, i am excited about it, but honestly mostly i think it's simply because it's something to do. a way to spend my time doing something a little more engaged. maybe that's... enough? is that what people do? things, just to have something to do that isn't nothing?

well, not a good sign that i got tired of even this. it just feels like i lack the drive to overcome any amount of inertia in performing any task. i tried to do some pilates just to get some proper exercise in this week and i honestly gave up like less than 5 minutes in. i did some of my own stretching and pushups and stuff but like... i just didn't have the will. i don't have the will for anything. i'm just being dragged along by the current of time. and it's sunday, so... yay, back to work tomorrow and then i'll just keep waiting for the next weekend to come so i can do nothing once again on my own time. it feels like boston. boston didn't feel good.

think i'd better knock on wood

it's felt like a long evening. even on a school night. i guess it's cuz i went out and did something after work and then came home, all before it was even dark. i didn't even move quickly, really. i went over to the other end of the neighborhood where there are stores (we're more of a restaurant area... just so many restaurants) to try to do some shopping before this wedding i'm going to this weekend. i'm gonna be my friend's plus 1! i've never been a plus 1! i was supposed to be KW's plus 1 this past december for his old work partner, but we had the flu and had to cancel 😢. but i'm gonna go visit my friend MM! and see a bunch of other people who live in the area, hopefully! i'm excited! and getting over a cold, so also hopefully my plans do indeed go through.

anyway, i was unsuccessful. i do have a backup dress to wear but after re-gaining the meager weight i lost last year, it's a bit of a tight fit in the torso. were i to attempt to dance, my range of motion would be very limited. but i suppose it'll have to do, i'm unwilling to really drop dollars on a dress that i intend not to fit in for long.

seriously, i need to lose the weight. i'm also going to be my friend OV's bridesmaid in september, so... i really wanna be looking better for that, before all the photos go in albums, digital and otherwise. ...do people actually do physical albums anymore, for anything? never mind. point is, my body will be immortalized against my will by participating in this event. i'd like it to be thinner then.

this is all very besides the point. not that there's ever much point here other than my absolute rambling.

but, i came home from shopping, watched a little TV, and then let netflix steer me into rewatching easy A. man, i really feel like it holds up on most fronts. adorably quaint tech usage though. funny, really, what a short time frame it was that we texted on flip phones and sidekicks in high school. and i was there!

anyway, it got me thinking about a couple things. one, how gorgeous emma stone is. it's not fair. and that hair color works beautifully on her, i wonder if i could pull off anything like that. two, how gorgeous penn badgley is. it is also very unfair.

and yet, there's something about his facial structure that actually really really reminds me of KW. sort of always has. and i always thought a lot of that was from the old gossip girl days when he played a hipster writer living in brooklyn. like, come on. that was KW's bit in high school, so of course that description rang a bell. totally different coloring, but the bone structure in adulthood is actually very very similar. i wonder if other people see it. then again, given penn badgley's current infamous role, maybe i don't want people thinking KW looks like him.

so i was browsing through pics i have of KW on my phone, trying to assess how real the similarity is, and i found a picture — a picture of a picture, actually, since KW never did forward the pics along to me — of me, KW, his sister, and his two young nieces (who were about 3 and just about a year old at the time) up at a vacation house his sister had rented and invited us to visit. and i love it. it's objectively unflattering of me but it's one of those cases where i don't care? everyone looks so happy, and i just... love that i'm involved. i love that i'm included.

i really felt that this year, over the holidays, how much i love feeling like i'm part of KW's family. i've been trying to figure out (not actively, just kind of passively) for a while if i really do want to marry KW or if i just feel like it's The Thing To Do At This Stage Of Dating, and... i honestly don't have an answer to that. do i want to get married, or am i just attending a wedding this year? do i want to get married, or am i just watching my friends get engaged? do i want to get married, or am i just 30 and insecure about my progression in life?

i don't know, i really don't. but i do think a major weight on the pro-marriage scale is wanting the legitimacy of ceremony to lend stability to the feeling of belonging in KW's family. i don't want to feel like a visitor. i've been given a temporary role in someone's family before, and i know i'm the one that ended it. but this feels different, and i'm not sure why. i don't think it's that i'm more comfortable in KW's family, because i felt absolutely comfortable in being myself with ZM's family. maybe part of the difference is that i actually really like KW's sister and want to feel close with her, whereas i always felt (and still do) that ZM's brother is kind of... an ass? like, not meanspirited, just... not someone i would particularly voluntarily choose to spend time with. not that ZM's brother ever made me feel unwelcome, but i was also never concerned with impressing him. but KW's sister really seems to want me to feel welcome. and i absolutely treasure it.

i also think about the girls, and i remember my cousin B, who's i think 12 years older than me, i remember her boyfriends when i was young, i remember them appearing at a christmas or two or three or even four, and then disappearing, and then there'd be a new one later. i know that's part of life, but... something about that has really stuck with me. i always think, "will i be a Brad to this kid?" if i'm not a permanent fixture, what will they remember about me years later, when i'm gone? will i be a faint memory of someone their uncle KW used to date? and he is Uncle K to them... will i ever be Aunt A? or just A? i suppose it doesn't matter, but i do wonder what the line is there. if KW and i get married, will i be permanent enough to get a familial title?

i keep being intentional about phrasing it as feeling like a part of KW's family, not as being a part of KW's family, in part i guess because i don't want to... get ahead of myself, or let myself trust in something and then lose it later. or i don't know. i don't want to be presumptuous. but i'd really like to trust in it. i'd really like a family. even with the family politics and drama that everyone's got to some extent, which i've been a third party observer to for years now, getting closer and closer looks... i'd willingly shoulder that, for a chance to feel at home.

it's been a while

i started this draft when it was nearly september. ...2021, that is. i can't believe a year went by so fast. ...i only said that for the rent reference, in truth. it hasn't seemed very fast at all. but it also has? it's been the bulk of my time living with KW so far. we've been at it an entire year past what i was writing about last time. i think we've gotten better at it, in some ways. in most ways. it has certainly helped that he's not in school anymore. he graduated! it did look dicey near the end there, with him working wild hours to finish his term project and truly falling short in some aspects, but everyone in his course knew how damn good he is and they pushed him to pass. and he did, and he managed to take the paramedic test with admittedly minimal practice time because he learned it was scheduled with only like 4 days of lead time, and he fucking knocked it out of the park on the first try. i knew he would, i honestly did. it was hard not to put pressure on him, because i've been there - i've been the person people are saying "i know you'll succeed" to, and worrying that if the very real possibility of failure comes to fruition, i'll have disappointed not only myself but them as well. and i understand the paramedic test to be fucking hard as hell, with a lower pass rate than the goddamn bar exam. his failing would not reflect poorly on him and i needed him to know i would understand that. but, quietly, confidently, i was certain that if anyone could succeed, it would be him. and lo, i was right.

so he's been a fully certified paramedic for just coming on a year now. he's only working just a little less than full time, three days a week, because he was hoping to pick up more shifts here and there with the flexibility in his schedule. he largely has not, unfortunately. i don't know how to encourage him properly. some things never change. we're similar in that way. all too happy to coast. happy's not the right word there. but... you get it.

i've been binge watching zoey's extraordinary playlist for the past few days. this show was not correctly marketed. it has so much goddamn heart. i thought it would be some cheesy musical sitcom, but it is much more dramatic and real than that. and emotional. i have cried at like 80% of the episodes. and i'm not usually so weepy at television! i just watched the episode where her father passes away (i'm sorry if this spoils anything for *checks stats* no one, but also, you know it's coming.) and fucking ugly cried, multiple times.

once my face isn't so tearstained and my eyes aren't so red, i really ought to go for a walk. i wanna pick up a claw clip for my hair. i know, this is interesting shit. i just wanna take better care of myself. since my last post, i lost like 8 pounds. i probably gained that too, though, before losing it. so it feels like i've made progress but in that regard i'm probably back where i started. weighing about the same since like april. and here we are, in september 2022. i've bought myself new shampoo, have... at times sustained a skincare regimen, but i've fallen off that wagon again. i wanna be able to put my hair up in a non-damaging way to my hair and my scalp. so it seems a claw clip is the way to go, best i've found.

i received a blessing from the federal government recently, what with the biden administration forgiving $20000 of my debt. well, a shade under $20k. i'd actually paid my balance down to about $13400 with $1200 in payments stashed in a savings account just waiting for the forbearance to end, because i wanted to see what was going to happen with that $10k forgiveness, hopefully before the midterm elections. and we got it! but fuck, i had not expected an additional $10k forgiven! i got pell grants to pay for some of college! i was already grateful for them, but fuck they just became even more of a blessing, like 12 years later. i'm debt-free. and not only that, but because i'd paid so much during the forbearance period, i was able to request a refund of nearly $6600, to bring me as close to a $20k balance as i could, without over-refunding and having to make an exact payment. the government can keep my extra $40. i'll take the freedom. it's funny how much some extra room in my budget can feel like getting a raise. ...even though i still haven't gotten a raise and i really need to ask for one. that'll be an issue for another time.

work's been okay. only okay. maybe slightly less than okay. i did get my best friend AD a job with me! which sometimes i feel guilty about because the company does let her down at times. she's the only one dedicated to a specific client project and she doesn't get the support we should be giving her to execute her duties in a timely way. i feel bad about that. i also want a fucking raise. i interviewed for another company a few months back, which provided a wake-up call to me. i was recruited, but failed the technical interview. i received the nicest rejection letter one could hope to get, which said that by all accounts i seem like a delight to work alongside every day, and if i can just... get better, they'd be happy to interview me again in the future. so i've tried, in fits and starts, to study code in my free time. it's really hard to dedicate myself to that when it's what i already do for work. i think i'm feeling burnt out. i just want a vacation, all the time. i even took one, mostly. went to the outer banks with my friends for a week in july. and it was fantastic! i'd never been on a plane by myself before, never booked my own ticket, organized all (okay, most... i coordinated with JB&AS to benefit from their rental car) my own travel. i'm thirty years old, is it sad to feel really proud of myself for that? it was really great to get away for a while, even though i worked remotely for two days while i was down there.

KW and i are going to iceland for a week, really soon. since that's international travel i won't be working at all, and i cannot wait. if what was basically a collection of 3- and 4-day weekends was restorative, i bet a week will be amazing. i hope we travel well together. it'll be interesting to learn how we mesh with so much time off together. we went away together for literally the first time ever, for my 30th birthday in april. just to an airbnb in the berkshires, to get out of the city. and it was nice. nothing extravagant. accidentally went on too much of a hike on the day of, so it was very low-key after that. a whole week together, that we've planned entirely ourselves. internationally!! i've never been on my own in a country where i don't even speak the language. sure, i know pretty much everyone in iceland speaks english as well, but... i don't know. it's hard not to feel underprepared i guess, especially with my love of languages. but yeah, he decided to splurge and treat me really well for my 30th birthday, with tickets to iceland. seems random, but he does know it's always been a dream of mine to see the northern lights. we're hoping we can thread the needle with the seasons and be late enough in the year to see the lights but have enough daylight to see the country. i'm sure it'll be absolutely phenomenal, either way. i'm looking forward to taking tons of pictures and definitely slowing us down at every step of the way to do so.

this is just a picture i stole from a google image search for "iceland" but this is kirkjufell which is one of the stops on our trip, and if i'm lucky i'll get my own version of this very photo... albeit probably (and indeed hopefully) with a lot less snow, and very likely not at night either.

i miss writing. i know, it's the same old words from me in that regard. that's why i'm writing this post, finally, a year in the making. saying nothing of consequence. i read some of my old posts and actually really liked some of what i wrote. nothing this time, though. no profundity. no nice turns of phrase. no deep feelings delicately described. maybe someday.

when i come back from iceland, i think i'll get a second piercing in each lobe. and i want to start taking classes, for fun. in my free time. i want to avoid lifestyle creep, especially since with the extra funds from my would-be loan payments i can maybe afford to buy real estate before i'm 40. but i also want to live my life the best i can, and not hold back. fully commit to things. enrich my own life. be my best person. it's not entirely for myself.

apathy's a tragedy and boredom is a crime

it's been over a month since my last post, and i feel oddly guilty about that even though this blog doesn't have an audience? nor do i particularly want or need it to because it's only my own thoughts written down somewhere that isn't a material object i have to maintain or fill. and because sometimes the detachment of a keyboard makes honesty easier. even if i have always liked the way a pen moves on paper. i remember back in the day (high school) having a diary in the form of email drafts in a yahoo inbox, because that was the only place i felt i could handle talking about my friends growing up and starting to deal with sex and drugs. not so much rock and roll. what is this blog but an expanded yahoo email inbox, with perhaps less spam in it.

things haven't been all that great here. KW's in a full depressive episode and it's frustrating that i don't know how to support him. when a depressed person wants to be left alone, is that the depression talking, or them? how do you make someone smile when they don't want to? when they think they can't do something because they're not up to it, do you let that stand or do you push them into it because you know that they really can? and then i know his depression has nothing to do with me, but it drags me along with it sometimes. it's a fucking bummer, to feel so useless and unhelpful when the person you love is in crisis. but in the moments i've been unable to stop myself from being down on myself and giving the negative thoughts a voice, KW has attempted to be there for me, sometimes successfully, but at other times telling me he can't deal with the same conversations again and again, or that he can't really give me the support i'm looking for because he's unequipped, also depressed. so... i try to tamp it down.

it's one of those days. KW's been in the bedroom all day, i've been out in the living room listening to the songs from the most recent bo burnham special, inside -- a musical depressive episode played out in quarantine, and watching his old performances. just a big bo burnham kick today. i tried to go get KW to do dinner with me, but then raised the idea of maybe going out either to pick something up or eat at a restaurant, and then... things just collapsed, until he basically stared at a menu on his computer for 5 minutes straight, and the plans for the evening ended. i can't get him to have dinner. maybe if i'm lucky at midnight he'll decide he actually is hungry and will sort something out then. i microwaved the remaining 40% of last night's leftover burrito and ate it at my computer. we were going to watch the new in the heights movie; he's been excited about it coming out, and this is actually a night where we're both at home without other real obligations. oh well.

i don't want to be egocentric, what's going on in his head is about him and his brain chemistry. but he seemed to be doing okay, until i tried to make dinner plans. he told me he was a little down, and then i just watched him decline.

anyway, i'm still at my computer, where i've spent the better part of the day. i probably shouldn't, given that i learned at the end of the last month that i actually need glasses now for the computer. i have hyperopia - ironically for my life, i'm farsighted. she who fears thinking of the future because that's how hopes are made, and hopes are how disappointment comes to fruition, is farsighted. excellent distance vision, is what i was told, but having to focus on the screen in front of my face all day is straining my eyes and worsening my vision overall. anyway, i got a pair of glasses but then immediately decided i hated the frames on my face and went back (with my mom's assistance) to pick out new ones, but i had to give up my old ones and haven't gotten the replacement yet. so... here i am. spending the entirety of a day i'm not required to be on the computer, on the computer.

one thing that's become clear - or had its clarity reinforced, rather - is that KW vastly prefers when i actually engage with the world. that's been a theme for a while, as was bravery in our first relationship. and i think the definition of that's pretty flexible - to do more than be carried through life by the relentless passage of time, to be conscious in how i spend my days. it can be playing video games and watching netflix, as long as i do it with intention and find a form of joy in it. and growth. if i find it fulfilling, and not just treat it as a way to make the day end. this comes back to being interesting. passivity isn't interesting, action is. intent is. purpose is. thinking is. i still say creativity is but i don't have that. i find myself, right now, at 11:50 PM (and earlier when i started this post) wanting a way to improve myself, right now. to learn something, to practice a talent somehow. i'm watching bo burnham and i'm watching him express himself and perform with piano, with guitar, with words, with cinematography and lighting. what is my... any of that? on a smaller scale of course, since i neither expect nor have a desire to be famous or renowned or particularly widely appreciated. i'd just like to do something for myself that KW can see me do and be proud of me for. for whatever it is, it would be a thing i did with purpose and found something in it for myself, even better if also for other people. i want to make him proud. i want to be worthy of him. i don't want to be sitting here trying not to fall apart alongside him, i want to show him that i am and/or still can be the person he's fallen in love with. although a part of that has always been a potential, not an actualization. part of what i strive for is to realize that potential, lest i let him down. i can't grasp what he sees in me, but he hates not seeing me be it, or be working toward it.

can i do art? can i paint? can i draw? can i find a class online and actually stick to it? can i put effort in without immediately feeling it's too hard and giving up? can i do more photography? can i take pictures and like what i see and enhance them in lightroom and photoshop, rather than looking through my shots for the day and feeling disappointed that nothing in there is spectacular? can i study code to advance my craft and my career, or dedicate myself to learning for its own sake, as long as i stick with it and retain it? can i practice languages and not be afraid to use them?

i want to be more confident. i know, i'm sure i've said that before. my self-image is at quite possibly an all time low. and yes, i used to have anorexia. i still feel worse about my body than i did then. at least then i had discipline. my skin's gone to shit and i can barely take care of myself for more than three days at a time. i've gained weight because not only did i stop going to the gym, but i picked up baking. i don't get dressed in the mornings because there's no reason to, and i don't want to wrinkle my clothes and be uncomfortable just in order to spend all day in my living room, or bedroom as the case may be. it's hard to dress up for KW either because he's never really been clear about what he likes to see me in, other than not skinny jeans. even when i try to ask, he just says confidence. he thinks i'm sexiest when i feel sexiest. what a fucking ouroboros of sex appeal. i guess that should make it simple, but it doesn't.

so... what? what'll it be?

precipice

cross the street from your
storefront cemetery

it's almost funny how evocative something can be. those are song lyrics for an old song, but a local song, contemporary to where i've been. KW came home while i was listening to music and a song came on that i didn't know, but he began singing it - all the lyrics before it even got to the vocal part of the song. a song he knew well, clearly. the album art given by spotify was a sort of blurry off-angle photo of a walk light on a street corner, at night. it's a TV on the Radio song from 2003, so the picture is assumedly of some corner in brooklyn. it's not the lyrics that get me so much as the tonal undercurrent of energy that doesn't quite crest that the song carries, imo. 

it's not my new favorite song or anything, but it just hit me at the right angle to slip through a crack and get into my soul and echo around in there, knocking loose some nostalgia for a life i never quite got close to living. it's a song i could have liked, a corner i could have been on, a connection i could have had with a version of KW i probably pined for in past years, or would have strived to be interesting to.

this feels like a related feeling to the book i read, meet me in the bathroom - given that tv on the radio is featured in there, being local to the scene and of it in the moment. 2003. brooklyn. did KW even live there yet? yes, having run the clock through my head, he did.

you're staring at the sun, you're standing in the sea
your mouth is open wide, you're trying hard to breathe

my brain's been being mean to me. i haven't felt equal to anything. not only in past tense, but expansively. i have felt that i will never be equal to anything, will never know how to be equal to anything. i went for a walk on a beautiful day, up to a beautiful park, summer weather inaugurating our hopes for the rest of 2021. some guy even hit on me a little bit after asking for directions. i took some pictures as the light leaned toward the golden hour, although i'd forgotten to bring my new camera (speaking of things to inaugurate). but i still just felt so absolutely miserable, like my muscles protested carrying the useless mass of my consciousness around for nothing.

i don't want to feel this way. KW himself said he felt himself on the verge of depression, like his brain is trying to shut down on him but he just simply doesn't have the time. his work is piling up on him, he's behind on a deadline, he's got term papers and exams and paperwork, he's got no time to sleep, he's got 100 hours of rotations to cram into a month, around a full time job and a doctor's appointment that's keeping him from dropping a shift to save time because he needs to stay full time to keep his health insurance. on top of this, his grandfather's dying. imminently. any day now. KW flew across the country to be with his family on friday and saturday, mostly to provide comfort and familial medical authority rather than to get any comfort himself from being able to be with his grandfather one last time. and that in and of itself is a tragedy, his grandfather's death. i've been really looking forward to meeting him. back in 2019, when i moved to boston, KW was out at his grandfather's remote island house - his favorite place on earth, even with how much he's seen of it - and i remember sitting alone on EG's couch when i was crashing there and talking to KW on the phone about how he finally was able to tell his grandfather about me and that he said i sounded like "a neat lady". he said his grandfather's got an incredible talent of being able to make whoever he's talking to feel really interesting and special. earlier drafts of this year had us going out there to the house to celebrate KW completing paramedic school. truth be told, the house is being left to KW and his sister, so it won't be lost to the family. but i'm sure it'll change how it feels. i really do want to go out there someday. KW's really talked it up, like the phenomenon of watching the orcas gather in the waters just below the house...

to the point, though. this is a hell month for KW and i just want to be as useful and supportive as i can be, so i'm trying to operate in a... facilitative facility. i'm stepping up and taking the household chores, because if KW is here he either needs to be doing schoolwork or asleep. and if he's trying not to slip into a catatonic depression and checking out, i want to be a source of joy and comfort. and that, i think is where i'm losing it. i don't know how to be there for him effectively and my brain is all too aware of that. so him being on the edge of depression is throwing me over it at as well. which is just not a productive dynamic and definitely something we're going to want to get a handle on, given that we both, obviously, experience depression.

it led to the horrible experience this weekend though of feeling like i was about to have a breakdown but KW was there and i just needed to try to keep it together to the best of my ability but i didn't do a fantastic job because obviously he knows me really fucking well by now but what i'm NOT going to do is say "your intended support system instead needs to be yet another thing you have to take care of and worry about now." i cannot fall apart right now because that would just be more shit for KW.

i don't want to trivialize my own feelings by saying that it was just because i've been sad that i don't know how to make KW happy. it's possible that was the gloom-spark but i fucking wallowed in brainshit all weekend while KW was out west. but substantially i kept beating myself up and feeling like the right person for KW would know, the right person would know how to keep him happy and make him be his best self all the time and would be by his side to support him through difficult times. and because i wasn't by his side, because i can't make him do his schoolwork, because i can't keep his brain from shutting down, i'm not the right person. there's a better person out there, someone who would love him better and whom he would love better. someone who would do for KW what he does for me, which is make me want to be more, want to live to and through my own limits. i spend too much time thinking of the other person he loved in high school, when it wasn't me anymore - in seeing him succumbing to his addiction, i just felt sad and powerless, but i continued to defer to him. if he was doing it, he couldn't really be fully out of control, right? i trusted him, so if he trusted his judgement, i decided he must have the right of it since he's smarter than me after all. this other person loved him enough and was certain enough that they were right and he was wrong and dumb that this very petite person punched him in the face about it. he once told me this story with the hint of a smile. he loved that they were driven to physical means of aggression to try to get their point across. not to sound too stupid, but i want to love him in the way that means i will punch him in the face if i think that's what's right. (i am not advocating for domestic violence, hopefully it's sufficiently clear what i mean here.) the way i am now, he'd just say something like you don't need to punch me in the face and i'd go yeah, you're probably right and then he'd continue being a fucking idiot and i'd feel powerless and useless and insufficient as i watched the man i love destroy himself before my eyes. i'm not being melodramatic, that's early 2010; we've literally been there. it was a hell of a boon to my poetry but fucking misery.

i was plagued by cravings to cut all weekend. i wasn't wholly successful in resisting. i kept it light, though. two extremely superficial scratches to my arm that faded by the end of the day (although were def visible as i was out walking around at the park) and one a little more thorough on my hip that honestly i can still see because i know what i'm looking for, but it'd otherwise likely go unnoticed. this may be something i need to confess to him once it's all past us, this tough time for him. but in the meantime i just... needed an outlet and couldn't go to him. trying not to get too hung up on the fact that i'm twenty fucking nine years old and still dealing with cutting urges like a stupid juvenile emo teenager even though i know as i say that that that's a terribly inaccurate and harmful stereotypic stigma, but it's an extant one nevertheless.

monday was better, though. i didn't feel so mentally well during my work day but once it was over i got to snuggle with KW and finally have a lot of good sex and watch tv and cook dinner and enjoy the evening with him. i've felt substantially better since then, although physically absolutely exhausted. we've got some minor germs swimming around up here, that's for sure: low grade fevers and sore throats; KW's gotten two negative covid results so it doesn't seem to be that. anyway, physical health aside, i doubt that a good evening of quality time has fully cured me, nor would that be unconcerning if it did, given that that's a level of dependency i would have hoped to never experience, especially not when i've been feeling so much more independent than i've ever been in a relationship before. and doubly concerning because with KW spread so thin this month, that quality time won't be coming again for some time. i don't want to be in a crisis spiral for a month, instead of the happy helpful person i want to try to be for him.

the water's at your neck
there's lightning in your teeth
your body's over me

incidentally, 3 years ago at perhaps this exact moment, i ended my prior relationship. happy cinco de mayo.